The Difficulties We Face are the Stepping Stones to Building Resiliency & Courage Part 1

In 1987, a two-year-old girl was standing at the edge of her parents' bed, watching her mother in a sea of ​​tears as she dressed her.

The innocence of that girl did not understand why her mother was crying, but she does remember the screaming, mistreatment, and insults that came from outside the room. Her mother was crying inconsolably without saying a word, the girl looking at her without understanding what was happening, but felt a deep fear inside her not knowing what could happen and confused of it all.

Her mother left the room and the girl followed her taking a peak out the door. She saw her dad throwing a chair from the second floor, breaking the telephone line and throwing everything that came in front of him. That is the first memory that girl has of her biological ‘father’.

That moment defined how that girl was going to interact with other people, especially men. However, she spent 30 years of her life without knowing it; without understanding that it’s okay to speak up; to say no; to speak assertively despite fearing the outcome. She didn’t know that a NO, does not mean that she will hurt the other person and even if she does, she didn’t know it was okay to stand her ground if she faced unwelcome advances of others or do anything she didn’t want to do for that matter. After all, other people’s feelings is not her responsibility. It’s not something she can control and shouldn’t have to. In her mind, the consequences were terrifying; even more terrifying than putting herself in a bad situation. That’s how deep those early on interactions can affect our relationships as grown adults. We must understand though, that there is help. There is hope. And we CAN work on those wounds if we choose to do so.

That girl, has been putting other people’s needs first; Over the years have been numerous times where she has not imposed or spoken up when all she wanted to do is run away and shout ... shut them down and put theme in their place. Instead she kept quiet 🤐 So many moments when she got carried away by the manipulations of others without hearing her inner voice. Because of fear. Fear of their reaction, and even rejection... Can you relate?

You see, that girl still lives inside that woman who now continues to deal with the same problems. But now that woman realizes that the girl she once was had no voice; that the mother of that girl who because of fear never defended herself, is now a woman who is learning that her past does not define her but that taught her how to react to the problems she faces today.

At this point, you will deduce that the girl is me. That at 34 I continue navigating my life with the same problems. The only thing that changes is the year, environment, people and places. The only thing that changes is that I am older and have more experience but until I confront the fear of that two-year-old girl and stop walking in eggshells for fear of not hurting anyone or getting hurt, I will not change my situation or the course of my life. If I keep letting others have power over my decisions and/or my needs, the only person I'm hurting in the end is me!

- Why do I always put others first?

- Why am I afraid to let my voice be heard?

- Why when I am compelled to say no, I say yes, even when I know the consequences are not good for me?

To change my behavior I have to change my thinking 💭 & hey, this isn’t something that happens overnight but reflecting on it we can learn a ton.

📝Now, I am willing to let that girl speak, communicate her needs and intentions in a confident and assertive way - no need to be rude🧐

📝Now, I am willing to be the voice that my mother did not have in the most vulnerable and frightening moments of her life. I owe it to her, to me, to my daughter, and to all those women who have suffered in the arms of men who have failed to respect women for their own weakness and cowardice.

📝 Now, I'm ready to say 𝙉𝙤 assertively And I encourage you to practice with me this week.

🤯 Statistics show that 1 of 3 girls will be sexually abused before they turn 18. We need to address the real issue - the abuser, the perpetrator's need to control and have power over their victim (I will probably address this in a future blog), and not put the blame on the victim. So when I say that I need to work on being more assertive that is mainly because I can only work on me and how to move forward due to my past experiences.

I refuse to keep quiet 🤫 let alone be part of the problem that our society has of not talking about “sensitive” topics. Friends! Children are 'sensitive' we are talking about their LIFE and their FUTURE my people! Take it from someone who has lived through it, has seen her family go through it, and worked over 9 years in crisis centers for people who have been physically, mentally, and emotionally abused.

I want to leave you with this quote:

"She was powerful not because she wasn’t scared, but because she went on strongly, despite the fear". - Atticus

I dedicate this blog to my mom. Because she has been the best role model; a warrior woman who never gave up despite the nightmares she lived and put her life at risk many times. For teaching me that we don't depend on anyone in this life, only God.